Being there.

Lost in the Now of here and losing the Why of today the If of tomorrow slips away before my head even hits the pillow. Time here passes like a criminal through my window, stealing the moments from my nightstand and the hours from my pocket; taking the sharpness of my thought and dulling it into the stupor of recollection and regret. Time steals from us here; value is twisted into bullet points and outside the gate the water doesn’t flow into her house and the refrigerator is broken.

The Now of Here is a Now of fear. The Why of today is crowded out of our minds by trivial densities of events, showering around us like wedding rice; important now, to be sure, swept into the street of tomorrow.

Now is the weapons check each day, the ceramic plates (front and back) weighing us down like the rules of engagement. Now is the water bottle heated to over one hundred degrees and seeming cool; now is the crooked white line of salt in our uniforms and the staggering swelter of the short walk from the trucks back to our tents.

Why has been replaced by Now. Why spun through our minds long ago in a world of shot records, Wal-Marts and briefings. Why has come and gone and Now has taken hold and will let go only if replaced by When.

When depends.

When is the illusory ephemeral “x”. When is after Now and Now is everywhere. When will come after Now.

After the Now, during the When, the Why will catch up with some of us and when we think of the Why we will take shelter in what was the Now, and remember the heat, the air blasting against our skin like fire without color, the children smiling, the Pepsi’s. We will be comforted by the hypodermic needle of reliving our experiences instead of dwelling on reason and cause; only effect.

After the Now, during the When, the Why will be debated and recorded by those who didn’t see; who weren’t there; who don’t know.

The If of tomorrow grows in our minds slowly as the Why of yesterday fades into print. We few will remember the Now of Then, the Why of Then, and the struggle of There.

-30-

Copyright, Tom Kinton, June, 2003. Al-Hillah, Iraq.

Tom Kinton was deployed with an Army unit in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom.